TIED UP IN KNOTS.

View from the Santuario della Beata Vergine di San Luca taken during a break from hosting an international pharmaceutical congress in Bologna, Italy.

We can on occasion find ourselves in a situation where we are impacted by the behaviour of another person and unable to resolve the differences or problem that connects us because the other person won't - or can't - change.

It's as though we are each holding an end of a rope and in the centre is a knot. The rope connects us, and the knot is the problem. In order to resolve the problem, however, both people must let go of the end of their rope in order to undo the knot. 

My Mother and I are connected by such a rope, with a tightening knot in the middle.

Only, she won’t let go, and the knot remains.

It doesn’t matter how much one of you wishes to undo the knot, it requires both people to show up and put effort into resolving the problem. In itself, it’s an unfortunate situation, but even more so if the issue remains unresolved because the knot tightens over time making it more difficult - or impossible - to undo.

We become bound to the problem by virtue of holding onto our end of the rope.

The solution in these circumstances is not to focus on the untying of the knot itself, or the seeming impossibility of it, for that only feeds resentment and anger.

Instead, we have the option to forgive. Not to hold onto the rope any longer or become obsessed with the need to undo the knot, but to feel compassion for the other party. For reasons we may not ever know, they may be unable to let go or to help in the untying of the knot. Compassion is the cornerstone of forgiveness.

By letting go of the rope, the problem is no longer ours, and we are no longer a part of the problem.

Sometimes, especially with more complicated problems, or where many individuals are involved - or have involved themselves - the knot is bigger and there are many more frayed ends of the rope being held onto. I see this often in workplaces where culture issues prevail. You can almost feel the resentment and bad blood in the air.

So what happens when you’re not able to simply walk away and forgive with compassion?

Firstly, ignore the knot. The first priority is not to focus on the problem itself. Everyone holding part of the rope must come together. To meet and collectively understand the perspective of each involved that tied the knot in the first place. Without the ends of the rope, and those people holding them, there wouldn’t be a knot: it exists because we made one.

Everyone involved has to let go of their end of the rope before the knot can be untied.

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