VICTIM, VILLAIN, OR RESCUER?
I cheerily greeted one of my leadership coaching clients this week, and asked them how they were. Their response: "Oh, I'm alright; it's everybody else…".
My client is trying to resolve quite a lot of conflict in the organisations she works for, which stems from a prolonged period of ongoing change, and her circumstance reminded me of the "Karpman Drama Triangle".
First described by psychiatrist Stephen B. Karpman in 1968 as a social model of human interaction, it is still as relevant and insightful today to help understand why people behave in the way they do.
The model proposes that when we experience conflict at work or in our personal lives, we adopt one of three positions: the Victim, the Villain, or the Rescuer.
I’ll explain how it works but as I do, try to keep an open mind to see yourself as which you most recently adopted.
The drama begins when one person, or group of people, assume the role of Victim or Villain, enlisting others into the drama to either seek support and validation for how they feel, or to help resolve the situation. You’ll likely call the friend or colleague you know will side with you, agree with how you feel, and validate your position in what happened. That’s absolutely not the friend who would tell it to you straight.
During moments or periods of conflict at least one person is going to feel like a Victim: “Why am I missing out?” “Why are they ganging up on me?”. They are helpless and hopeless: nothing can change or be done.
The Rescuer in the drama is a classic enabler; someone who wants to help the Victim and pours energy and time into helping the Victim change their circumstances.
However, if the Victim doesn't change despite their best efforts and reasoning, the Rescuer ultimately becomes angry and resentful and makes the situation worse for the Victim, deepening the sense of conflict.
The third element of the triangle is the Villain: those who readily blame others; are critical and angry, and who if are blamed themselves, quickly adopt the role of Victim. These are the most challenging as they blame the Victim, and criticise the Rescuer without attempting to help resolve the situation, yet still become involved. Their characteristic is usually that of a bully and controlling.
We are all, at some point without practice and conscious behaviour, each the Victim, Villain, and Rescuer - and we may notice that ourselves, or be seen as one in the eyes of others. It’s important to note that if one of the individuals changes their position in the situation (for example shifting from Rescuer to Villain), it changes the dynamic for the others involved.
At any point when drama/confrontation arises it is useful to self-assess to understand what your contribution is: are you helping to resolve the situation (Rescuer); helping to make things worse (even unintentionally - the Villain), or blindly feeling sorry for yourself (Victim)? The best way to discover is often to move away from the triangle and make space for yourself - literally distance yourself from the influencing behaviour of the others involved and critically review your, and their behaviour to ask the deceptively simple question: “What is really going on here, and how can it be resolved with compassion?”.
